Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
