I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
3 2 1 whiskey
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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