I'm so fucking centered right now
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize