She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Randomize
