it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
