Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
