Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
