well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
