I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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