Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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