how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
