I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
