The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
So here I am, sexting at work.
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