So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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