Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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