So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
