You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
