Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize