My underwear smells like fireworks.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
