She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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