What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
