dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
