bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
She needs sedatives and a leash
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
