He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
