i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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