Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
