Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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