Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
