I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize