Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
