The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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