i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
God, you're like boner-b-gone
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
