Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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