i permit you to call me
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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