when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
