You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
