is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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