yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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