My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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