hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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