Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
