Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
