Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
