mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
