your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
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