four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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