Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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