I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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