Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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