I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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