If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
