Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
