my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
