I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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