me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
