Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
