I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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