Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
