see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
There's always time for handjobs
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
