im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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