Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
