I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
